Finding my inner-happy

Fear

Fear

I’m feeling stuck.

Like a fish trying to swim in a frozen pond.

Like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.

Like finding a gum in your pants pocket AFTER it’s been through the dryer.

Stuck.

You see, for months, I’ve sat at the computer with full intentions to update this blog, and post on it, so I sat, and typed entire posts, one after the other.

I was full of inspiration and joy. I just wanted to share my words with the world. Easy… til the moment that I’d go to post it, and I couldn’t.

I was stuck and couldn’t  publish.

Fear.

This is super weird for me, folks.

You see, I type to stangers for a living.

Yes, I am an artist, writer and blogger but my “day job” is essentially writing emails to clients with financial advice for the better part of the last 15 years. I am a writer for a living. It’s what I know best.

So why does this blog stop me?

As one of my life goals is to share my story with the world, I could not understand why it felt so difficult, so impossible to hit the “publish” button.

At first, I chalked it up to anxiety. It must be it.

It wasn’t.

I know anxiety really well, but this was different. That’s when I realized that it was fear, and that I had to get to know this particular fear.

Who or what are you, Feeling, that’s in my way of super awesome happiness? I gotta get to know you before you eat me all up inside.

———-

Get To Know It

Getting to know a feeling is an important part of knowing one’s self.

I have discovered through meditation (and lots of reading) that the more I sit and get to know my feelings , the more I ask myself I’m feeling that way and really understanding it, the stronger and healthier I feel inside.

For me, journaling plays a big part in this process.

Journaling allows me to write my feelings down and get them out of my head, but also to see how I really feel. Sometimes, the words that come out on the page are not the ones I expected, sometimes the words surprise me.

That’s absolutely normal – we change constantly.

We change pant sizes, jobs, whether we like a person, an onion, a store or tv show. We constantly change, and our feelings do to. We have to adapt and constantly get to know ourselves in order to best determine how to heal ourselves of negativity, of the thoughts that come to the surface due to fear.

And you know what?

I think doing this consciously is one of the best healer. Since I started doing this, I have felt a mear fraction of the anxiety that I use to…like magic.

That’s why this post is finally happening.

Instead of writing this in my journal. I will write it here.

———-

What am I scared of?

I’m scared of being honest about me.

I write about other people’s banking all day, so that doesn’t affect me like writing about myself does. In writing about myself, I finally have to be honest with myself. It’s the whole point of the blog, I realize, but the more I write, the more I discover about myself, the more I get to know the parts of me that I want to heal or grow, and the deeper I go into my own self.

It’s all there, for all people to see.

There will be another post someday about how I do care what people think of me, or I did at least. It’s something I’m I the process of healing.

It’s a journey.

I’m glad I recognized this fear. And to it, I say: “Thanks for showing up, Fear, but I do not need you today. You can sit in the back seat, as Liz Gilbert would say in Big Magic, but you cannot drive nor choose the tunes on the radio.” This post is my letter to fear, as Liz would suggest to do.

If you haven’t read Big Magic, I highly recommend it.

What she means is that you shouldn’t let fear make your decisions for you. I want to write this blog, I shouldn’t let fear try and stop me. I am stronger than my own fear, and the more I reflect on this, the less scared I am.

“Fear, I thank you for showing up and showing me my lesson in all of this. I am capable of great things, but sometimes I have to take a moment and really examine the feeling before jumping too quickly, so I can heal along the way. Thanks for helping me understand why you should up today.”

This is my blog, my safe space, and fear cannot stop me.

Thanks for reading, folks!

Til next time.

MarMar

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