Today is June 4, 2020.
The world is turned upside down, and right side up, all at the same time.
I am feeling rested, from the inability to pack my schedule with “running errands” which encourages me to stay home and safe, as we should. Yet I still have great discomforts while my friends are escaping riot in the US and I still can’t visit either of my parents which really pains me. And with all that, nature is healing itself and flourishing.
Is this good? Bad? Balance? Natural Selection? I don’t know.
While this is all going on, and spreading negativity and confusion around the globe, there’s still good happening. I try to focus on that.
For me, it’s turning level 40 tomorow.
Some are scared to “get old” but I feel like I’ve achieved something by making it to this age. The last 10 years have been great but full of struggles that I feel I can finally leave behind me. My 30s were busy and confusing, amazing and awesome, all at the same time. That’s why I never look at age like an age… much like you read in a previous post, it’s all levels to me.
Each new birthday is a new level.
Have you ever played a video game? It’s just like that. You have missions and side quests to achieve to level up.
I feel that my 30s, while very rollercoaster-y, were successfully completed.
Let’s make a list… for fun.
In the last 10 years…
1. I got divorced which changed my life from its original course.
2. I met the love of my life (post-divorce) which has brought me more joy than I ever thought possible and still does, every single day.
Note: To readers going through this now, know that divorce does feel like the end of the world, but it can be a fresh new beginning too!
3. I finally faced my alcoholism, after going through some dark times post-divorce and made the best decision of my life on June 4, 2016.
4. I’ve been sober for 4 years today. #BestDecisionEver. This deserves its own number in my list.
5. I received a cancer diagnosis, which began a roller coaster of its own, but I did the work, did the treatments and beat the sucker!!! This shook up my world and saved my life. It still doesn’t feel real, yet it’s one of my greatest achievements.
6. I “lost” my soul mate, Willow, the best dog that ever lived. She was with us for 9 amaaaaazing years.
She changed my life and made me a better human! And she helped me beat cancer. #Amazing. I put “lost” in quotation marks, as her death was one of the low points for me, but I also know that she’s everywhere I am, always with me.
7. I became a parent.
I never had my own kids, a decision I made a long time ago. But I always knew I wanted to be a parent, to love and care for a child.
While you will see that I rarely speak of my family online, for privacy reasons, I became a stop-mom in my 30s which plays a great part in my achievements as the role of step mom to the world’s most amazing children has made me who I am today!
Parenting is a gift, in any shape it comes.
8. I found my dream house!
I moved many times in 10 years, a few following the divorce. Finally, last year, we found the house of our dreams, so we never have to move again! Finally “settling down” and really moving in somewhere is a magical feeling and relieves much stress. #LivingByTheOceanWillSaveYourLife
9. I am working from home.
After 20+ years in overlit call centres, I finally do my job from home! I can choose the lighting. Haha! You have no idea the difference this makes 😛
10. I created an art show.
I am now hosting an annual art show which will become a art sale group this year as well, as I’m trying to grow the art community in our area and put our tiny province on the global map, since we have amazing artists.
11. I got tattooed. A lot.
Each one a part of my diary. This will require it’s own post 😛
12. I learned to be a better daughter.
Over the years, I became overwhelmed with the roles of a daughter as my mother required additional care and I am an only child. During the peak of my drinking, I found this cumbersome and I sometimes reacted negatively, but upon clearing my brain, I realized that we were both doing our best. We restored our relationship and both found peace and happiness together!!!
I also made a greater effort to be a better daughter to my dad, who has lived away for a long time, but has always been a great support to me. I just had to stop being distracted to also be a great support to him. The parent and child connection is a team effort, which we don’t always realize, but once you focus on being a good teammate with your family, magic can happen.
13. I achieved ridiculous goals… just to see if I could.
For years, I’ve been working on manifesting my greatest life, and trying to remove the blocks around me, so years ago, I decided I would meet my favorite actor and have him autograph my leg for my tattoo collection.
While he is amazing and I’m glad I have this story to tell, the goal of this was to show myself that I can achieve absolutely anything, even the most ridiculous goals. I decided I would go to NYC to hang out with a friend with the goal of meeting Neil Patrick Harris and getting his autograph. This became one of the greatest trips of my life, and I did meet him, downtown New York City after watching the best performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and I got his autograph. It’s now tattooed on my leg as a reminder that I can choose to be awesome and achieve anything I want.
More on that in the tattoo post.
Just know you are capable of anything. Took a while for me to learn that.
And I’ll leave this here, for now…
I’m sure I have tons more, but the point of my little list was simply to show myself, and you, that despite what feels like insurmountable obstacles, anything is possible. I started my 30s at the peak of my drinking and anxiety, and now I find myself sober and finally really feeling happy.
I earned my level 40.
I don’t say this to brag, I say this to inspire you. If you are down at the moment, don’t worry, it’ll get better. You can make it better. A state of down is not a permanent thing – there is always an up. Trust that you’ll find it.
Perhaps that’s the greatest lesson of my 30s…
… I learned to trust the universe. And I am grateful to it every day.
Signing off, at the end of level 39. Tomorrow, a new chapter begins.